10 Things I Learned About Love In My Twenties
1. You can’t change the shape of a piece to force it into your puzzle.
I went through a hard breakup coming out of college. The relationship ended maturely and for a noble reason: religious differences. Neither of us was willing to change our stance or commitment to our different religions. It was a hard breakup because I still cared for this person, and there had been no hurtful affair or unexpected offense, just the inability to change our minds and hearts. I learned that as painful as it can be to break up with someone, you just can’t force some- thing that doesn’t fit. Like a puzzle, the pieces (and in this case the people) are what they are, a distinct and intentional shape. You can’t really manipulate or modify puzzle pieces, and if you did, the pieces wouldn’t stay together and the whole thing would fall apart.
2. The thing about casual dating is that at some point it will either stop, or stop being casual. You have to be okay with either outcome.
As a young twentysomething, I spent a period of time dating casually, as I believe everyone should do at some point in their twenties. I even went on two dates with two different men in the same week, which felt like a rite of passage into adulthood. At age twenty-four, I consistently casually dated the same guy for a little while. We had agreed on the level and definition of our time spent together, which eventually made its way up the hierarchy all the way to, “exclusive but not in a relationship.” We were happily spending our time together in the present without worrying too much about the future, I had fun, I learned a lot, and spoiler alert he is now my husband. This lesson is much longer in the book, but here is the gist of it. Casual dating is great. It’s fun, as long as you can keep yourself straight and honest. There are only two ways that casual dating comes to an end. It will either stop completely, leaving you on your own again, or it will stop being casual, leaving you seriously attached to the other person. There’s no harm done as long as you are truly okay no matter which way it goes.
3. If someone wants to see you, they will make it happen.
4. When choosing a partner, find an addition, not a completion.
It’s important to be fully comfortable with yourself. The idea of saying, “You complete me,” (credit to Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire) to someone is actually quite dangerous. You don’t need to be “completed.” The best relationships are those made up of two people who are each just fine on their own, but enhance each other’s best qualities.
5. For everything you lost or left behind, you will gain or be given another thing.
I moved for love, and when I did, I left behind a city I loved and many other treasures, including a great job, my brother, and one of my very best friends. It’s hard to recognize this at first or to keep this perspective as you are moving on and growing, but while you are losing and leaving behind, you are also gaining in return. Over time in my new city, I gained a life partner, unparalleled professional peers and mentors, a tight- knit church community, and new friends. And while the experience I’ve shared is specific to moving to a new city, moving on in relationships is much the same. When you find yourself sad, mourning the loss of someone or a certain aspect of a relation- ship, take note of the additions to your life that might not have happened if you had not made the change.
6. Either start asking people out or start accepting the people who ask you out.
One of my very best friends gets the credit for this line and for teaching me this lesson. I was single, in my early twenties, and I was very eager to be in a more serious relationship. However, I didn’t like any of the people pursuing me at the time. I would find myself complaining that they weren’t my type or worried that the current candidates were all I could attract. But I also wasn’t putting in the effort to pursue anyone different. Thankfully, I had a girl- friend who brought me a good truth: If you don’t like your situation, do something about it.
7. Everyone has moments of weakness. Pursuing love is not one of those moments.
8. Some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.
9. Give a person a chance for four seasons. Doing so allows you to see them change with each.
Just as flowers and plants change in appearance with each season, human beings change over the course of a year too. I, for one, bloom in the summer/fall and might not be my best self in winter. Implementing this lesson into your life could go more than one way. You may have met someone in their toughest season and be able to learn so many more things about them in the months and seasons that follow. Or it’s possible you’ve met someone while they were peaking, in full bloom, and you might have to watch their petals fall and learn that it may be harder for them to come back to life. If you are dating a person who you are considering as a life partner, or if you’ve met someone you’d like to date more seriously, know them for all four seasons of a year before making any permanent decisions.
10. A relationship doesn’t have to mean anything, it just has to teach us something.
The person you are dating might not be “the one” in the same way your current job might not be your career. In fact, you may go in a completely different direction in terms of the type of partner you’re seeking, but you have to explore and gain experience to know what you’re looking for in the first place. Understanding that what you’re doing right now isn’t forever is vitally important. A person doesn’t have to be “perfect” for you in order to be a worthwhile investment of your time and energy. You can still learn so much from the experience. What matters is that you’re always learning: about love, about others, and about the type of partnership that makes you your best self.